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Conceptions,
Concepts & Conjectures to Cogitate (Or "My Thoughts 'n'
Stuff")
On Wed04112001 01:39 p.m. Mona has the impulse
to write about her medication provoked thoughts about beauty
I'm sick. I have been for the past few days so I haven't been able to write here. I've spent most of my time sleeping because my medicine knocks me out and makes me feel drained. The worst part is I sporadically have body shaking coughing fits so I need to get up and throw up-- and what comes out is anything but pretty-- so I'll leave it at that.
Then again from someone else's point of view the colors I spew could be thought of as pretty. They sure are vibrant. I don't mean to gross anyone out who might be reading this, or myself for that matter-- write it off as a crude observation of someone who is currently heavily on alchoholic cold medications. I promise there shall be no more of it.
Beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. I mean when I think about myself personally-- I don't see myself as pretty-- but then again I don't see myself as ugly either. I don't have one of those complexes that sees faults where they really isn't any natural fault. I don't look at magazines with waff models and think-- "why don't I look like that?" I instead think, "God, those girls need medical attention-- NOW." I can see I've become a little chubbier than I used to be-- but I'm not beating myself up over it. It only takes 1 year to get in shape on average-- probably less for me(not that I'm horribly fat either right now-- I think anyone who has never met me reading this might think that--but no I'm not like 200 pounds or anything like that :P). It's not good to be too much of anything. To have an overactive metabolism like some of my friends have would probably be just as bad as not having a really fast one. (at least you can speed up a slow one-- it's pretty impossible to slow down a fast one)
Okay, so now I've gone through what I see as my big flaw. ^.^ I find it difficult to accept compliments of anything to do with my own physical beauty. Why is that?--because I find it difficult to believe. I can't help but think that they are saying this because they want something, even at times when I have to admit to myself-- no, they have nothing to gain by saying that. Or I get a compliment from people that care about me-- so of course they'll be able to see beauty in me-- this is because once you get to know someone and feel a connection between yourself and that person-- that person has a much higher degree of becoming beautiful to you. More so the closer you become.[This is why I believe you don't truly experience love until you can see beauty in the mundane features of the person who you care about in that romantic sense.] So this brings me to an incident in my still recent memory. I went out with my friend Ivy and some of her school friends to a jazz club. The atmosphere was nice, the band was skilled, and I enjoyed the company of Ivy and her friends. Before we went to the club we stopped by The person's house that they had agreed to meet at. Ivy and I were a bit late, but were still the 1st to get there. [haha The guys took longer to get there than the girls-- amazing]after a bit of chatting the other people arrived so we decided to just meet them outside the house. So I crossed out of the room and headed for the doorway which opens into the living room/TV area of the guy's house a few seconds before Ivy and the guy [Arash] made their way behind me. I was suprised to find three men of different ages sitting in the living room, but what suprised me more was that their attention suddenly became focused on me. I didn't feel too akward at the held glances, but I did want to get out of their view as fast as possible because I could sense that I would turn red if I didn't. So I smiled sincerely and made my way to the door out of their view. Ivy and Arash where behind me seconds later and as we made our way out the door the father yelled in Persian [they didn't know I was Persian and could understand it] "The girl is beautiful/pretty" I kind of froze at the comment and then walked slightly faster to the car. it was obvious he was talking about me, but Ivy's friend sensed that it made me uncomfortable so he tried to cover it up-- not very well though. ^.^;; I appreciate the fact that he tried to make me more comfortable with it though. So I took it as a nice compliment that I knew for a fact was sincere. Later that night on the drive back where everyone else in the car seemed to have passed out from exhaustion, ~Well okay-- I think Yoshi [Ivy's half Japanese guy friend]just drank too much for his stature to stay awake. :)~ I talked in Persian with Arash who was driving. I was falling asleep myself [..Even though I didn't drink anything besides a mocha coffee drink. I was just generally tired]and talking with fragmented Persian sentences. The comment came up from his end that he was 'happy that he had meet a pretty girl tonight'-- he paused. I didn't smile. Then he said with childlike playfulness 'I'm talking about you-- you're supposed to smile.' I should have been amused-- but I wasn't. I was just too tired. I should have been nicer since after all he did make a pretty bold statement and my reaction probably made him feel a little rejected in the conversational area. I couldn't help it though-- I'm not that receptive when I'm half asleep. He wasn't shaken by my reaction though and continued to chat which is admirable. Just to clear this up for myself and anyone else wondering: Was I attracted to this guy? No. Did I like him enough as a person to want to get to know him better? Yes, definitely.
Recalling this has made me conclude something I wish more guys realized. Many woman find it difficult to accept compliments, and there's a set that do accept them graciously-- but no matter what type of woman you find something special about-- it is in your best interest to compliment them. Even if they aren't receptive to it now, someday they will be. If it comes from your heart sincerely, then even if they feel akward and don't accept it when you tell them-- they will eventually accept it and then in their view you will seem elevated in so many aspects because you saw something they personally failed to see in themselves. ~I'm done musing for today~
::The sound of J.Lo: Secretly echos through the air::
On Sun04082001 03:05 p.m. Mona has the impulse
to write about a little editing she did
I just went and edited out a big chunk from the entry I made Wed04042001. It was about my grandmother and mother-- and for reasons that reflect the same sentiments that I wrote about at the end of the section I edited out I decided it be safer to leave it out. After all this is a page anyone can access so it has a possiblity of getting back to the person I wouldn't want it to go to and end up casing the exact thing I didn't want to happen. [personal note to self: I archived the entry on a disk labelled: Blog 4-4-01] ~lots of work to be done~
::The sound of [Ayashi no Ceres Opening Theme] Scarlet: Piano Version echos through the air::
On Sat040772001 10:20 p.m. Mona has the impulse
to write about her weekend thus far [Part 2]
::Happy Sigh::-- it was a lazy day. After we got up and lewelyn made us a scrambled egg omelete to eat-- we got right back in bed and acted lazy. We ate some left over birthday cake and veged out in front of the TV in the living room-- till we got hungry so we ordered some pizza from Dominos. After a quick change of clothes we were out the door. We made a stop at blockbuster and picked up "Me, Myself, and Irene" since none of us has seen it before plus the pizza. So with the video and pizza in hand-- we retreated to the house-- changed our clothes-- and proceeded to get back into bed [this time with food ^_^]. Yes, I realize this is really lazy-- but it's fun being lazy. I have to write a midterm and a bunch of other things this week-- so I'm getting out my lazy desires now. Looks like I'm too lazy to drive home-- so we are spending the night AGAIN. The only thing that could make seeing all my old friends again complete would have to be a few key people-- one of them being Tim. Mental Suggestive self-note: You Will Arrange Something With Tim Soon ::End Suggestion:: On to a shower and some final bit of laziness :D ~and so my spring break began~
::The sound of Random TV channel noise in the background echos through the air::
On Sat04072001 06:06 p.m. Mona has the impulse
to write her weekend thus far
I'm at lewelyn's house right now... spent the night. I'm on dial-up connection [tick tick tick] right now so I'll make this short. Since Lewelyn got sick the weekend of her birthday, then the week after that Ivy and I went to Fanime and couldn't reschedule-- we spent yesterday finally celebrating her day. She treated us to a movie Along Came a Spiderstarring Morgan Freeman in a movie that had the same who-done-it feel as Kiss The Girls that he starred in a few years back. It was an interesting movie, I didn't find it scary- but I noticed my friend Tatum holding on to Marisol's arm during some scenes she personally found frightening-- (I noticed mainly because Marisol playfully slapped her hand away the moment she did it) ^.^;. We went out to a Italian restaurant afterwards where more people joined us. I was suprised to find that one of the people I was aquainted with in passing in high school had a seven month old baby girl (Billy). O.O -- The person Lewelyn is seeing (Matt)--whom I can't call her boyfriend since they aren't at that stage in their relationship-- showed up. It was the 1st time I had seen him since New Years. (and I can't help but think-- man he's younger than I am-- am I getting old?) He didn't show up sooner because he was doing 3 or 4 loads of laundry-- or so Lewelyn told me. ^.^;;-- but he was dressed nicer than he ever had before in front of Lewelyn (according to her) so I guess it's forgiveable. I hadn't seen Marisol and Tatum since Marisol's birthday back in september so I spent most of my time chatting with them. It was as if we hadn't been apart so long because we quickly fell back into the old pattern of Marisol and I cracking jokes playfully at each other while Tatum laughed at us. Yes, it's good to get out some playful agression-- I missed that-- I missed them. [hold on I need a tissue-- Ivy is getting me one] After dinner the large group broke up and a few of us headed back to Lewelyn's house. We were going to go clubing or drink before we threw up-- but at the time those things didn't appeal to us. (I wonder why hmm :P...Lewelyn was tired too so I didn't want to do anything she didn't want to do since it was her day.) We watched the GTO movie (live action) subbed in english that my friend Pete was nice enough to lend me to watch over spring break. Marisol and Tatum left half way into the movie (I think they were disappointed we didn't go clubing). Then we [Lewelyn, Ivy and I-- the last ones left] watched another Japanese Movie called Space Travellers subbed in english that was about 3 bank robbers--no space travelling involved :). Ivy and I fell asleep half way through because we found ourselves exhausted so we woke up and watched the parts we slept through first thing when we woke up. ~there's more-- but I'll get to that when I come back baibai for now~
::The sound of Ivy and Lewelyn talking to me about what I want on my pizza echos through the air::
On Wed04042001 01:44 p.m. Mona has the impulse
to write something to help her cope with her bad luck
I have a midterm in an hr. and I left all my notes at home so I can't use them on the test. [forgetting something important like this isn't like me-- I'm feeling a lot of anxiety right now] So the question of "why aren't you studying right now" comes to mind. Well, the teacher skipped around in the book so I don't know what sections to study. >.< if I'm going by the text alone. I'm so lost-- I need to scream or something-- but being that I'm on campus, no matter where I go I'm sure it would give the impression of "she's loco" or "Oh, my God-- what's wrong? Are you okay? Do you need medical attention?" -_-
So I'm de-stressing here. This is a nonsense type of post I guess. I'm just trying to calm myself so I can focus. I'm finding it difficult to focus as it is though-- Maybe if I get things out in the open I can stop thinking about them in my head as much.
::edited sun.04072001::
[talking about my mother's description of smoking] She described it once in Persian like "You could be dying, but if you are truly addicted and smoking is part of your everyday life, you can't escape it--even if you know you're hurting yourself in some small way everytime you take a puff-- you can't stop wanting that next puff" Cigarettes are one of the worst evils-- because they look so innocent, are readily avaliable, extremely addictive, and con even the most intelligent and sweetest people with their sinister charm. I don't dislike people who smoke (how could I possibly? Both my wonderfully loving parents smoke)-- but I do dislike the tool that's eatting away at their life spans ~This hasn't totally set in yet and I almost don't want it to~
::The sound of Chinese chatter echos through the air::
On Tue0432001 10:14 p.m. Mona has the impulse
to write about her lack of focus
Alright--- I still have two essays to write and I'm having writers block. Isn't that just wonderful? ::sigh:: I don't know what I should do. There's just so many things that are on my mind I'm having trouble focusing. Then there's the whole AnimeFX library thing. I was supposed to have helpers helping me do most of the manual labor-- from packaging, transporting, to filing tapes back after they are returned. But now that there's finally some work to be done-- almost everyone who said they'd help have magically disappeared. Isn't that convient? I don't like to complain-- in fact I'm almost sure I'll feel sick if I read about myself complaining so I won't continue with this train of thought. I just don't think everyone realizes the amount of energy and time it takes to run the enormous library. It's stress-- pure stress, it's not fullfilling work anymore-- and I sure as heck don't get anything tangible out of it. But I can't just quit midsemester. So I'll keep doing the best I can till the end of the semester-- but I will not do it again. (This is almost enought to make me greatly dislike my loyal nature and strong sense of duty) I can be an advisor-- but I will not RUN the library after this semester no matter what. I've done it long enough, I can just be vice President-- and unlike when Steph was VP, I'll actually do something productive. (I'm already responsible for bringing to the table some of the stuff we have shown that have gotten the biggest responses-- like Love Hina, Inu Yasha, Vandread etc. So it's almost like I already hold a Vice something position even right now I suppose.) That being said I wouldn't want the Pres. job-- that's probably just as time consuming as the library except at least with the Pres. job you can do everything from the comfort of one work area. (With the library I have to physically move around to work and there's no way to get around that problem) I hope this entry will serve as a reminder to me should I feel like I'm going to cave and agree to do the library job ever again. ~End Of Rant -- Back To Work~
::The sound of Susumu Hirasawa: World Cell echos through the air::
On Tues0432001 01:39 p.m. Mona has the impulse
to write on the going ons of Fanime
Fanime was fun-- but tiring. I didn't get a whole lot of sleep during the con. The bulk of the showing schedule was stuff I'd already seen long before, (Guess that's what happens when in see all the latest stuff digitally online), so I think I watched mostly actual live action films. 'Summer Holiday' starrying Sammi was a cute romance, and I saw most of 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon' again, as well as one rather strange movie in the early hrs. called Kikujiko (or something like that) about a little boy, and eccentric angel-type man and a journey they go on. I made sandwiches and sliced some fruit before we left Friday, so we had a nice little lunch friday-- the only draw back was the sandwiches got a little soggy as the day went on (I had the tomatoes in a separate bag-- but Ivy said it was probably the avocado's moister that caused the sandwiches to get a bit soggy)They were still very edible and yummy though, so it was all good. Friday night/Saturday morning I wanted to watch some Karaoke so I dragged Ivy with me to the room. We sat pretty close-- around 3 or 4 rows from the front and I watched most of it-- while Ivy slept mostly. I particularly liked one singer who sang the Kodomo no Omocha opening '7 o'clock news' then finished the night with the emotional ballad from Marmalade boy. Ivy and I spent Sat. morning sleeping in the Alternative Anime room-- but we got a wake up call at around 7 in the morning by a staff member that asked us not to sleep there. I was already awake watching the movie playing, but he had to shake Ivy a few times before she woke up. ^.^;; I should mention that I went to the 5XL concert Friday night-- and aside from them kind of messing up because there voices got dry every once in a while, I think they were great. I forked over $12 bucks the next day to buy their T-shirt/button/sticker combo that they were selling in the dealers room because I wanted to support them. [Note: I usually don't buy useless stuff like stickers and pins at my age anymore because I have enough of those things from my earlier youth-- so personally buying that stuff says a lot about me wanting to give something back silently in thanks for being entertained.] Saturday was the Mari Ijima concert and Masquerade-- both of which suprisingly were good. Mari was super cute and nice and played music from her upcoming album that will be 50% Japanese and 50% English tracks. I would have definitely bought the new CD and had her sign it if it was out. She's such a sweet person and that sweetness reflects in her work. The costumes for the Masquerade were all pretty good-- they even had a Gackt Cosplayer O.O-- no where as pretty as the real Gackt-- but it was still interesting to watch him lip sync to Gackt's voice. I liked the Final Fantasy game skit where characters like Vash from Trigun faught against a fangirl (and they did the gently springing their knees up and down as the characters do in final fantasy while you are waiting to instruct them to fight thing.). There was some real martial arts action in one skit and the little singing costume clad girls were adorable. Over all good-- but it was supposed to end at around 9:30-- but went until 12am O.o. Ivy and I hadn't eatten any real food all day save for some cookies and apples-- so we were starving--literally. We drove home Sat. night and stopped by a chinese resturant that was opened late to get some food.(it was well into Sun. morning by then) I had some shrimp dumpling noodle soup-- it wasn't very delicious-- but it was food. Ivy picked up the check without me knowing >.< --which at the time got me annoyed, but now that I've gotten my senses back I know I should thank her. When I'm tired-- I don't like to talk-- When I'm hungry I can't control what I say. (I'm not my normal pleasant self)I was starving and sleep deprieved that night-- I don't know how Ivy put up with me-- she must be buddah-- that's the only explaination that makes sense.
I was disappointed by the poster selection in the dealers room. So I didn't buy any posters-- I did buy a Kare-Kano & Digi Charat Postcard set, 2 Digi Charat glossy pictures(Cute Cute ^_^), a DNA Angel Pencil board, and Chobits pencil board, a small Card Capture Sakura note pad, a couple small fan art prints, and Video Girl Ai OST 2 CD. I didn't spend too much money, but I did reach my limit.(under $100)
I didn't get to go to the San Jose Kinokuniya so I'll have to wait to get the manga I want.
::Wish list::
-Hana Yori Dango Vol. 28
-Hanazakari no Kimitachi e Vol. 14
-ImaDoki Vol. 3 (+ vol. 1 too)
-Chobits Vol. 1 (I know this is a bit ecchi, but it's not /that/ ecchi and the drawings are so cute *^.^*)
Maybe the next time I go to Kinokuniya I'll be lucky to find all of those since they are relativley new....well I can hope can't I?
Okay, I have about 3 midterms, 3 essays, 1 speech, and a lot of reading and some math homework to worry about for tomorrow. So after I clean my room I'll have to spend the rest of today and tonight doing that. ~God Help Me~
::The sound of U2: Beautiful Day echos through the air::
|
 Noteworthy
Bloggers |
| Bishoujo
Diaries :: Ever wonder what goes on in the pretty, genki & generally
twisted bishoujo mind? |
| Bishonen
Diaries :: Oh what those poor little pretty boys go through on a daily
basis ^.~ |
| Tanzy/Allison
:: Cute & genki fellow SFSU Student |
| Steph
:: HS Friend w/ a taste for Japanese Culture |
| Alana
:: Definitely on my list of "people I like." :) |
| Kourin
:: Unbeknownst to her, inspired me to blog |
| Alie
:: C'est La Vie >>Complex and liking it :) |
| Hank
:: 5XL Bass Player >> Musicans are Kakkoii, ne ^.^ |
| Xiola ::
Cookie Ambassador @ Keekiland >> Draws the Cutest Sketches |
| Janelle
:: Only met her once very briefly but I feel comfortable with her somehow
& although I'm nothing like her personality wise I feel I can relate
to her (weird huh) |
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